It sucks. Plain and simple. Not only because of the giant gaping hole of uncertainty in my life, but more because of the seemingly eternal cycle of swelling hope with each application quickly displaced by despair. Despair because of the mockingly mass-produced rejection e-mails. Despair because of the void of communication. Despair because of the endless supply of pyramid scheme jobs that appear in my searches (Newly expanding innovative marketing firm now seeking qualified and motivated individuals for entry level positions! Aka: we need minions to pitifully sell satellite TV subscriptions in electronics stores. Great management advancements available! Then you can have your very own minions!) Despair because any great job that sounds like the perfect entry level position "requires" 3-5 years experience (god help anyone whose devoted 3-5 years to a career and their only options are "entry-level" positions. It's almost as degrading as a college graduate who can't find work.) Despair because anyone and everyone I talk to tells me it's all about "who you know," which is great if I actually knew someone in the business. Despair because the people I do know, who know people (who might know people) get my hopes up only for it all to be sent back to the beginning with the whole void of communication thing. Despair because when I finally do get a random call interested in me, it's because they're a life insurance company that found what was probably a 2 year old resume I posted on my college's job search sight back when I was looking for an internship sophomore year. Despair because there are simply too many things that cause despair I can not list them all here.
And yet I go on. I continue on the endless cyclical path of hope and (mostly) despair. Mostly because I have no choice. I can only get away with doing nothing for so long. But this time of nothing has me psyching myself out of a job at all. While still in school I dreamed about getting the job right after graduation and happily entering the world of responsibility with a smiling face. I couldn't wait. But the worst part of the job search process is the downtime. Now that I'm not studying, not working towards graduation, not living in the magical world of college, it scares me to enter a life of 9-5 workdays and no summers. I'm still holding on to the idea of pleasant responsibility, but the more I sit, the more I scare myself and talk myself out of it. When the day finally (hopefully) comes when I have to be somewhere at an ungodly early hour on a regular basis to do something productive, I know I'll be fine. But until then, I just have to wait while my mind and college-self psyches myself out of wanting responsibility. And it sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment